Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

The time has come to talk about the warm-up. The tennis warm-up (called a “knock-up” in Great Britain, #nowyaknow) is the short, polite hitting back and forth from player to player before the start of matches or lessons in order to, you know, warm up one’s muscles. It generally begins with each player a few feet away from the net bopping the ball to each other. Here are the attitudes of the various USTA levels towards this supposedly polite exchange.*

*I don’t say this often, and I’m not going to put this disclaimer before every post so listen up: I am clearly exaggerating throughout this post. And this blog. And yet not exaggerating all at the same time. Welcome to my blog. Thank you for reading!

3.0s – Just happy to be playing. Hoping to make contact with the ball (that feeling doesn’t go away when you’re a 4.0, by the way). Thrilled as long as the ball goes over the net and inside the lines.

3.5s – Can make solid contact with the ball. Sorta. Super, super excited that they can routinely make contact. Now trying out this power thing they’ve heard so much about.

4.0s – Can hit the ball solidly with power. Feel like they must wail on everything with all their might. It’s like they’ve discovered fire, and now they’re setting ablaze everything in sight with this crazy glint in their eyes.

4.5s – Control. So much awesome, beautiful, tranquil control. Can get nearly any ball wildly hit at them back and almost perfectly teed up for their hitting partner.

5.0s – Please. Like I have any idea how 5.0s warm up. I imagine it would be just heavenly though. With angels singing.

My ire in this post isn’t directed to those who can’t hit the ball straight. Or who can’t get the ball back to me nicely to my hitting strike zone. That’s cool. I mean, it’s not, but I’m more okay with this than the other faux pas, which we’ll get to. It’s not like you aren’t trying to get the ball to me. You’re just not good at it. And that’s probably a positive sign for me regarding the upcoming match. Chin up, little guy. You’ll get there someday.

No, my ire is directed at you knuckleheads who try to hit winners. At my expense during a warm-up. You’re not even trying to be polite. See ball. Kill ball. So rude.

The point of a warm-up, you 3.5-4.0 cavemen who’ve just discovered fire, is not to win the point. The match or the lesson hasn’t started, yet. We’re just trying to wake up our bodies from its normal, everyday slumber to get ready for this strenuous activity that we keep abruptly putting ourselves through about once a week.

If you want to play out a point, just let me know and then we can play out a point. Now we’re on equal footing. Now we’re both in on the joke.

Oh, by the way, you would lose this point. I know this. You know this. You compensating for how the match will play out or taking advantage of having such a perfect ball to kill because you will probably never see such a floater again once the match starts (that’s a lie; you’ll  see tons of floaters over the course of the match so save your killing for those cocoa puffs) is the only reason I can think of as to why you decide to pull sneak attacks on every single ball during our warm-up.

If the point of the warm-up was to win, then no, I would not just serve up juicy, high balls right in your strike zone for you to wail on. I do that all the time during real matches. Usually when I’m under duress. Usually. I generally don’t do it without any duress whatsoever from a mere eight feet away with flimsy twine as the only thing that’s separating me in my naiveté from you in already full-on Hulk mode.

I’m popping the ball right to your strike zone because that’s what I’m supposed to do. Because it’s a warm-up. And you are supposed to return the favor. Not flex your muscles narcissistically because you’re all giddy over spotting in the mirror a couple of blips where your biceps are supposed to be.

If you want to be fed balls so you can work on your put away shot, go to a tennis teaching pro. When you warm up with a pro, have you ever notice how that person isn’t trying to win the point? Because that person could win the warm-up if he/she wanted to. With a flick of his/her pinkie. But that person isn’t. Because it’s a warm-up. Try to emulate this person who’s several, several levels ahead of you. Try that.

Oh, what am I saying? You probably pull the exact stunt with your poor teaching pro – who you go to in order to learn control. Great start! – and you think it’s high-lar-ri-ous that you’re “winning” over your teaching pro. You are a moron.

~ Christy Vutam